New Stock Market Terms

NEW YORK CITY - Here's a Friday funny:  A friend of mine just sent me these updated financial terms.  The ones for Value Investing and Bull Market are a sad commentary.  Sad but true.  Wait, that's not funny!

• CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer
• CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer
• BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
• BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
• VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
• P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
• BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
• STANDARD & POOR -- My life in a nutshell.
• STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded my stock.
• STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
• FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
• MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
• CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
• YAHOO! -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
• WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo! @ $240 per share.
• INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Last year's investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
• PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.